


Not a hero unless you die

by Hytia04



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst and Porn, Historical References, M/M, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Smut, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-05-27
Packaged: 2018-11-01 04:55:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10914759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hytia04/pseuds/Hytia04
Summary: In which there is no train involved in Bucky's death





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my first work here.  
> Please take into consideration that my native language is Hungarian (so forgive me for my grammar)  
> I hope that it's enjoyable and understandable.

There are some everlasting truth of life. One of them is, that love is indestructible. You can try, all you want, but love will always fight for itself. It can be fragile, but it's there, it's always there, hiding in the dark, silently waiting in the hearts, or, to be more exact, in an abandoned castle in London, on the summer of 1944.

The Howling Commandos got some days to rest and recover from their last mission. Most of them used it to get drunk and dance with ladies all night long. Then again, their good Captain knew no word like rest. He buried himself into paperwork so deep he didn't notice the arrival of his best buddy. Bucky placed his hand on Steve's shoulder softly to let him know he entered the room.

"You can get so absorbed you wouldn't even notice an explosion right next to you" Bucky said," Have some rest! Take a nap if you want, your papers will wait for you on this spot." he smiled, slowly stroking his stiff shoulders. With the grace of a cat, Bucky positioned himself in Steve's lap.

"Babe, I'm sure it isn't your wisest idea. We will get caught!" Steve said, glancing to the door. Bucky's first reaction was to roll his eyes. They were doing this since Steve joined the Army, and never got caught.

"The guys are out drinking. We are the only ones here." he whispered, pressing small kisses to the other man's neck."Besides that, it's our first leave of the year. And we are all alone in this beautiful castle. It's like a honeymoon."

Steve didn't hesitate for another second to grab Bucky's thighs and lift him. He carried him to the bed and placed him on the top of the furniture, then turned to the nightstand and simply shoved it to the door, just to make sure nobody interrupts them. After that he joined his lover on the bed, who welcomed him back with a heated kiss. Every touch made Steve's nerve endings literally sing in pleasure. Slowly their carefully ironed uniforms got thrown to the floor. For a fleeting second, Steve felt that he is home, in Brooklyn, with Bucky in their shithole of an apartment. But then he touches a small wound on Bucky's rib and suddenly he is well aware of their surroundings. They are in the middle of a war. It's not time for making love. It's time for fucking. So Steve took his finger in his mouth and slicked it with saliva. Soon the room was filled with painful groans and soothing words.

"I know you are strong, Buck, but we can stop if you need it."said the Captain while he wiped away the Sergeant's tears. Unable to form words, he just shook his head no."I'm so proud of you, babyboy! The bravest soldier out there! Just hold on a little longer for me, will ya?" with that he slowly moved his hips forward.

"S-Steve.." Bucky choked on his words when a pleasured moan escaped him."You can move now, so please" whined in pure joy.

After all, Captain America is a good soldier, so he complied. Every little noise Bucky made encouraged him to a faster pace. Shortly he pounded into his lover relentlessly. Bucky held him tight with his muscular legs, then pushed him on his back.

"Now look at you! Poor dames! They are waiting for you to come home, and they have no idea you take your Captain's cock so good!" said Steve, mesmerized by the sight of Bucky riding him. He is a lot different now, but still the most beautiful human being Steve has ever seen. His slim form is long gone, now he has muscles everywhere on his body. His well-groomed hair grew out too long, he is no longer clean shaven. Buthis eyes are the biggest differences. Once it was like blue sky on a rainy day. The promise of better times. Now its cloudy, almost grey and definitely empty. He had seen too much. The war killed the gentleman, now Steve is stuck with his shadow. And he is still grateful for this man. Because somehow he managed to stay alive in this cruel world. He noticed he is too deep in his thoughts, when he heard Bucky cry out in pleasure as he hit his climax, covering both of them in cum. His inner muscles squeezed Steve in all the good ways, and it was enough for him to reach his own orgasm. They layed on each other since exhaustion took over their bodies.

"Ever wondered what will you do if war is over and we can go home?" Bucky asked, as he used his finger to draw pointless patterns on his lover's skin. He was half asleep by then, still drunk on his previous orgasm.

"Constantly dreaming about it, pal" Steve let out a small chuckle."I don't know, really. The only thing I'm sure about is that I will ask Peggy someday to marry me. That is the only thing I need in my life." he said with lovesick voice.

Suddenly, the only thing Bucky wanted was to simply disappear. He felt dirty and spent. What was he thinking? Peggy is a decent, beautiful woman. And Steve is head over heels for her since day 1. Why would anybody choose a queer cockslut over a wonderful dame? If Steve would be stupid enough to do so, they could never be together. If he could get out of this hell alive, he'll have to watch the love of his life marry somebody else. One day he'll become Uncle Bucky to his kids. But what's the point in staying alive if you have no reason to live? He couldn't stand to lay next to Steve with these thoughts, so he made sure the other man is sleeping, then he got up and started to wander around in the room. When he looked at the desk with Steve's paperwork on it, he got an idea. A terrible one, but still, the only solution to his problem. Quickly, he dressed up, took off his dog tags and threw it on the bed, right next to Steve, then turned to the door. He pushed the nightstand away and glanced back. There was a man sleeping in the bed. His love. His murderer.

 

Steve woke up from a nightmare, screaming from the top of his lungs. Then he noticed something strange. The bed was empty next to him, well at least he thought it was. Seconds ago he was scared from the nightmare that woke him, now he was fucking terrified, when he found the abandoned dog tags in the bed. He had no more time to waste, quickly put on his trousers and run out to find the Howlies. They were all sitting around a table in dead silence.

"Did you see Sarge?" he asked them, panting. Without any words, Morita handed him a letter, with his name on it. His heart was beating in his throat, his hands were shaking. He felt that something awful happened. After returning to his room, he opened the letter.

 

_Dear Captain Rogers,_

 

_I am writing this letter to inf_ _orm you that I had to leave the unit. Oh, c'mon! Fuck this formal style! I just couldn't stay by your side anymore. I have feelings for you and its clear that they are unrequited. Sadly I just realised it. I know you will hate my memory for what I have done to you. But please, just try to understand me. You are my best friend, always were, always will be. But I'm selfish enough to write it down: I couldn't watch you being happy without me. Last night you took away my last reason to fight. I know it's hard after everything I said, but don't blame yourself. Just stand up, win the war for America, then settle down with your english lady. Have kids, and raise them well, just like your mother did with you. I'm sure you have no idea what the hell is happening now. Let me help you out with this. The letter you are holding now is technically my suicide note. I contacted Col. Phillips and asked him for help. I applied for a place in the legion that will be sent out to Operation Overlord. He asked me if I'm well aware of the consequences. Because once those planes took off, there is no turning back. You know, wise men says "Not a hero unless you die"_

_So I will die. I don't want to be my country's hero. Just yours. Funny, right? It's all I ever wanted to be_

_Yours sincerely,_

_Sergeant James Barnes_

 

 

That was the day, when the light faded away in Steve Rogers' eyes. They call that day the longest one. 


	2. Ain't no grave gonna hold me down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Steve had to face the consequences of his decisions and the growing void Bucky left behind.

Steve Rogers was a perfect man. He was husband material, from the best kind. He even became sort of a housewife, since Peggy was working long hours. But he had a large, dirty secret. He was still in love with his best friend. He thought a lot about Bucky. Especially when he was all alone. The first time he jerked off with the thought of Bucky made him freak out. He had a beautiful wife, dammit!  
After that it felt natural to think about him. Peg was always working or too tired to do anything with him, so he was left with his fantasy. Thinking about his dead lover became a part of his daily routine. It was obvious and caused a lot of trouble in their marriage. Steve felt that his so called undying love for Peggy vanished a bit day after day. However he still had respect towards her. Even after that terrible fight.

Peggy came home frustrated. Annoyance was painted all over her face.  
"How was your day?" asked Steve kindly. Peggy sighed before her answer. "Lets not talk about it. Did you take the bills to the post office?"kicked off her shoes."Shit, no. Forgot. Sorry, Pegs"he tried to lean in for a small kiss, but Peggy had other plans." Of fucking course you did! You were busy I guess. With what? Daydreaming about Bucky, right?" Steve had to count to ten to keep his inner peace."Peggy, I'm begging you. Stop this 'til we can. We don't need another fight, am I right?"destructive fire burned in her eyes"Yes, honey! You are right! But there is another thing we don't need in this relationship. And that is James fucking Barnes!"she screamed. Steve simply just lost it. Without any kind of response, he got his bike keys and left. He couldn't believe she said that. Sure, she was somewhat right. But Bucky was Steve's weak point for a reason. And Peggy knew that damn well. Using it against him was kind of disgusting. Sometimes Steve thought it would be the best for them to divorce. Their marriage was hurried. After the war they were high on the fact that both of them was alive, so they wasted no time and got married. They even planned on having kids, but Peggy was always so stressed that it just didn't happen. Steve had no idea why he kept on thinking about this. He wanted to clear his mind by riding without destination. After all he found himself in front of the Arlington National Cemetery, as always. He visited Bucky's empty grave every now and then. Sometimes he wished he could die on the cold gravestone of his lover. Steve was unable to find his place in this world without him. He replayed the memory of their last night together almost every time when he was standing before the gravestone. If he could have gotten back he wouldn't hurt Bucky like that. Steve would win the war for his true love, then they would go back to their shoebox-sized apartment. It would have been dangerous, but totally worth it. These thoughts got unbearable so he decided it was time to head home.

The next day he got a mission from S.H.I.E.L.D. It seemed like a tough one. Cold war made these operations tense. Steve had a bad feeling about this one, though he still accepted since it was his first mission in the year. Peggy tried to keep him safe, and since she was one of the founders, she had the power to do so. She has her own flaws, but deep down there was that girl who got Steve wrapped around her finger. So before he left, he went into Peggy's office to say goodbye. Her desk was covered in files. "Rough day, huh?"asked Steve. He was still a little sore from yesterday's fight."Just wanted to say goodbye before I leave" he said. Before Peggy got any chance to respond, his attention fell on one of the files. It has Bucky's serial number on the cover. Without asking for permission he took it and opened the file."Bucky.."he sighed. His throat tightened from the picture of his lover. But there was something wrong with the file. It said his status was "Missing in Action" Suddenly, he felt dizzy."What's this? You knew anything about it?" Steve asked harshly. She knew what he meant without even looking at the file. Peggy was unable to form words, so she just nodded, preparing for the storm. "You knew that there was a reason he is still alive, and you said nothing. You chose to watch me cry like a child several times." with a short pause, he continued."I thought you loved me"

The mission went down in flames.They were lead astray by the soviets. It wasn't an option to fight. Steve had to decide what to do. He knew that a wrong choice could end up in another world war. There was no chance that the world would survive another big butchery. For a short moment, he considered all of his options. Steve had to do everything in his power to save the men fighting by his side. The only thing he left behind was a failing marriage. Maybe it is the end of that line he and Bucky were talking about all the time.In the very last minute, his shaking stopped. It became clear that he's gonna die. And he accepted it. "I'm coming home, Sugar" mumbled to himself half-conscious.

 

Steve still had no idea how the hell he survived. This new world felt weird. He was unable to find his place in it. He knew nobody and it made him suspicious. It took almost a year to find somebody who he can trusted. Natasha was just like him, maybe that's the reason they got along well. They saved each other's lives several times since Steve got woken up. So when Steve found a postcard in his mail without a sender, he immediately called Nat. "Rogers, are you seriously afraid of a peace of paper?"she laughed on the other end of the line. Steve paced around his living room nervously."I'm not, Nat. It's just..There is no sender on it. And I'm curious. Who sent it, why, and how they got my address" "Maybe you got a secret admirer"she said."You worry too much, Steve. Its just a postcard, not a death threat.At ease, soldier! Romanoff out" with that she hung up. He placed his phone on the coffee table and with a deep sigh he turned the postcard. It was a rather old one from Brooklyn. First he thought it was from Peggy, but she would obviously sign it. He wanted to believe that the mysterious sender was Bucky. But there was no way he could have been alive. Dropped the postcard next to his phone, he headed to his bedroom for another night of dreamless sleep.

Life went on, but the postcard case stayed in the back of Steve's mind. It was Saturday and Steve just got home from gym when the doorbell rang. A delivery-man stood in the doorway with a package. He signed the paper then thanked him, and returned inside with the package. He heard no ticking from inside, so he was there was no bomb in the package. Instead he found a bottle of champagne, well, it was just the bottle. Why would anybody send him an empty bottle of champange? He studied the bottle and noticed that the label is torn. One of the corners of the label was bent. He unbent it just to find a date written there. October 30, 1936  
His eyes filled with tears. Bucky was alive! The date written on the label was the date of their first kiss. After Sarah Rogers died, and Steve was left alone, Bucky offered him to move in together. October 30 was the day they got the keys to their new apartment. After the landlord left, they were so overwhelmed by the fact that they can live together that Bucky kissed Steve. It was the smallest, chastest kiss Bucky ever gave. Steve wanted that kiss again. And now that he knew Bucky is alive, he had to find him. He got his bike keys and wasted no time. Minutes later he found himself in front of the door of his only companion. Natasha opened her door, wearing her workout clothes. Her face twisted in a fearful expression when she saw her friend crying, with a bottle of cheap champange in his hand. She hurried him inside immediately."What happened to you, Rogers?"she asked.Steve had a hard time finding words."He...he's alive, Nat." Nat got confused."Who's alive, sweetheart?"she touched his shoulder gently.Steve sighed long and deep, then answered her"It's Bucky. He sent this"he handed her the bottle."Barnes's alive? But how? You sure he sent it? What is this date?"he blushed a little on the last question."No idea how, but I'm almost sure he sent it. That date is something just the two of us know. I need to find him, Nat" she smiled at him"I will help you, Steve.I will do everything in my power." he held her tightly, made her feel how thankful he was.

They tried everything, but still no track of Bucky. Steve started to give up on him. As the days passed, he made up rational explanations for the message on the label of the bottle. Nat didn't let him give up this easy. Especially after Steve agreed to tell her what happened on the 30th of October in 1936. First, he was afraid of her reaction. He expected her to be disgusted. But instead she was excited. Nat held him close and repeated endlessly that she knew it. After he confessed his feelings, they put much more energy into the search of Bucky, but there was no result. Steve was heading home after one of their late nigh conversations, when he felt that something is wrong. He saw that one of his windows was opened. He sneaked up on the stairs to his door. He opened it. His apartment looked empty. He went inside a bit more. That was when he saw the body sitting next to his kitchen counter."There is no need in sneaking, Sugar. I know you arrived home."he heard him say it, and because of his voice, he dropped his shield. He couldn't stop himself and went closer. Even in the dim light he could make out Bucky's features."Are you real?"he breathed out. "Come here, you punk and make sure yourself. Steve wasted no more time and stood in front of Bucky. He switched on the kitchen lights just to get a better look on Bucky. It was him. Different than the last time Steve saw him, but it was still his Bucky. At least he hoped. "Your hair is so long! What would your ma say about it?" Steve laughed, tears trailing his face. "I hope she would understand that it isn't easy to get a hairdresser's appointment when you are on the run." Bucky said, his tone is bittersweet."On the run? I'm sure I missed a lot, so please, tell me everything." Steve asked, and Bucky did so. He told him the incredible story of how he managed to stay alive. That he was captured and some mad scientist tried to turn him into a master assassin but he kept escaping. The sun started to rise by the time they told everything. They were sitting on Steve's couch, staring right into each other's eyes."I know its fast, but can I kiss you?" asked Steve, his voice raspy from being silent for so long."What would your wife say?" Bucky asked back with a playful tone."Since I was legally dead, I'm not married anymore."that was all Bucky had to hear. He leaned in and kissed his long lost lover. Their small kiss soon turned into a heated one with tongues and teeth. "I know its not the right time to say something like this, but I regretted what I said when you asked me about my plans. I realised too late that you were everything I ever wanted." "Oh, Stevie, such a sap. Why don't you guide me to your bedroom and show me what you can do with that smart mouth of yours." he kissed Steve's neck in a teasing way."Roger that, Sergeant Barnes. Follow me!"


End file.
